The Unofficial Shitboi Roster: Elden Ring’s Most Annoying Enemies

It’s been four months since I finished Elden Ring and From Software’s latest Souls game is still living rent-free in my head. The game is one I will absolutely describe as “an experience” and have little doubt will end as my GOTY – though God of War: Ragnarök is likely to be a contender. Apart from actually playing the game, one of the other things I’ve enjoyed the most about Elden Ring is the general sense of “community” after its launch. I remember my Twitter timeline being almost *entirely* flooded by clips and screenshots as everyone was sharing everything from tips and strategies to discussing the game’s story and lore in greater depth. There was also an endless array of memes to provide a laugh or two after rage-quitting a boss fight or inadvertently walking into a dungeon trap and losing a small fortune in runes.

I had intended to have this completed for the Blaugust 2022 ‘Creative Appreciation Week’ – yes, I know that was LAST WEEK. Coincidentally enough, this week’s theme is ‘Staying Motivated Week’ and what better way to build momentum in yet another attempt to stay motivated than by *actually finishing* something I’ve been procrastinating on for WAY TOO LONG. I’m pretty excited about today’s Blaugust entry as it is part of a collaborative effort in the spirit of ‘Creative Appreciation Week’. I began this rambling intro by talking about Elden Ring and my experience as part of the FromSoft/Souls community. What better way to tie this all together than by joining forces with the self-appointed ‘Pope of Dark Souls’Meghan from MeghanPlaysGames.

What began as a simple conversation complaining about discussing which Elden Ring enemies annoyed us the most eventually turned into what was not-so-affectionately referred to as the “Shitboi Roster” and…here we are today. Both of us picked the five enemies that irritated us more than any other in our time across the Lands Between and have added our respective two cents for the other’s selections. Alright. Let’s do this! There’s one enemy in particular I knew was gonna get roasted first on my list…

Fanged Imps

When thinking of enemies faced in Elden Ring, no enemy evokes the same level of rage as Fanged Imps. These annoying little gremlin fucks are found in countless dungeons and catacombs throughout the Lands Between and typically hide on walls and ceilings in order to ambush and inflict blood loss on any wayward Tarnished not paying close attention to their surroundings. They are incredibly nimble and often attack in groups. Maybe not as menacing as other enemies found in Elden Ring, but they will absolutely ruin your day if not given the proper respect – 100% speaking from experience here. I’m a little torn as to whether or not my profanity-laced outbursts were affected greater by the sheer number of times you encounter them throughout the game, or being miserable little fucks in general? Either way, my Elden Ring Shitboi Roster BEGINS and ENDS with Fanged Imps.

Meghan: I was humbled by these gremlin fuckers way more times than I am publicly willing to admit. I had a particularly troublesome time with them in the Subterranean Shunning Grounds, while trying to traverse some pipes. The Fanged Imps are hiding everywhere, ready to jump you and send you plunging to your death – or, if you manage to survive, to the Giant Crayfish waiting below. The Fanged Imps are deceptively unassuming, but like Omni said, they will absolutely fuck your day up with vigor. Can’t imagine my Elden Ring experience without them (said with no warmth whatsoever).

Glintstone Sorcerers

I wasn’t sure anything would match the sheer obnoxiousness of the inhabitants of Stormveil Castle – endless waves of archers, birds with knives for legs, and a lion with a giant sword grafted to its front leg. But that was BEFORE I reached Raya Lucaria Academy. Of all the enemies hellbent on making your visit to the academy as MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE, the Glintstone Sorcerers may be the most maddening. These Burger King-masked goons are content to sit back and spam non-stop magical homing missiles which can and WILL one-hit kill you. In addition to a barrage of ranged attacks, Glintstone Sorcerers are more than happy to straight up bitch slap you with a Whopper-sized spellbook should you get close enough. The *only* positive thing I have to say(see? positivity) about these flame-grilled assholes is they provided some A+ meme content to laugh at while suffering through my time at the Academy.

Meghan: As if going to school wasn’t already miserable enough, this particular wizard academy is crawling with the worst kinds of students – no, not Chads, the Glintstone Sorcerers! Though these little shits are among the most annoying enemies in the game, I do kind of love them – their Burger King likeness (honestly, sending memes back and forth to Omni was my favourite part of this discovery) and general silliness of their appearance does make me more fond of them than I probably should be. Even that one dickhead that shot me in the back with an uncannily accurate homing spell on every single one of my runs to fight Rennala. Shout out to them especially. Number one draft pick for the Shitboi Roster, easily.

Abductor Virgins

There’s no shortage of…strange enemies to be found in Elden Ring, but the Abductor Virgins are among the more foreboding designs. These mechanized foes look like Inquisition-era torture devices and will quickly cause an inattentive Tarnished to seek penance for running afoul. Abductor Virgins only have(need?) two different attacks: rolling up and flailing about with their chain-guillotine arms, and pulling any nearby victims into its frontside chamber of horrors for MASSIVE DAMAGE. I still remember the first time I stumbled across one of these shitbois in the Raya Lucaria Academy courtyard – my bemused laughter quickly turned to fear as soon as one slowly wheeled its way up to me and completely wrecked my ass. What makes these Popes of Pain Town even MORE aggravating is the fact they don’t have a particular weakness as they boast high defensive numbers and are completely immune to all status effects. Another enemy whose appearance would warrant a firm “NO THANKS, BRO!” as I scurried away with my maidenless fingers(and runes) intact.

Meghan: Big “same” from me. I was initially excited about these Iron Maiden-wannabes after seeing them in one of the loading screens – their design is pretty cool, right? But after encountering the Virgin Abductor’s for the first time (getting grabbed, killed, and being unceremoniously yeeted to the Volcano Manor with a ton of runes) I started to avoid these enemies whenever I stumbled across them. Their grab attacks can be hard to dodge, and do an insane amount of damage. Yet another enemy that falls into my “it’s a no from me” category. Bravely running away, not out of fear, at all. Unless I need a pizza sliced, these things can stay ALL THE WAY away from me.


Ok. So there I was, minding my own business, casually taking in the sights(and loot) of Elphael – Brace of the Haligtree. I had made a wrong turn somewhere down the line and had become pursued by the numerous Cleanrot Knights patrolling the area. Long story short, I found myself down in the lower depths of the city. It was here that I once again crossed paths with an enemy I had learned to fear dozens of hours prior – Revenants.

Revenants are, in scientific terms – fucking terrifying. I’d elaborate further on precisely what happens when attacked by a Revenant, but I never really…uh, lived long enough to discover anything other than swift death. These humanoid-arachnid abominations have limbs for days and are freakishly fast! Even the bravest of neanderthals(aka STR builds) best tread carefully when there’s one in the area, if not more. I didn’t come across as many of these as some other enemies during my time in Elden Ring and I bothered to fight even fewer – I saw a Revenant, I RAN FOR MY GODDAMN LIFE! Salty, angry tears were plentiful after encountering these cursed foes.

Meghan: The Revenants are probably among my least favourite enemies in this game. Not only do they have 45 limbs to slap you around with (which will stagger you, leaving you unable to roll away – accept your death with as much dignity as you can muster) but they can also magically teleport around by appearing and disappearing into the ground. Great. As if that wasn’t already enough, they have an incredibly loud, grating shriek, reminiscent of the inhuman horrors that they are – headphone users, enjoy. I sure didn’t. I genuinely refused to fight these things after I encountered them a few times, because they were just so infuriating to deal with. I remember running into one down in the sewers while I was looking around for the Shit Eater’s jail cell – I took about three steps into one of the chambers to snatch up some items, heard the Revenant appear, and immediately made a swift exit. Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

Have you ever thought to yourself “I wish I could fight the Moldorm from A Link To The Past – the squirmiest, most annoying boss fight in the game, but with the grim specter of death looming over you in a way only Hidetaka Miyazaki can accommodate?” Have I got just the irritating shitbag for you! Ulcerated Tree Spirits look like the disgusting offspring of *Nerdtree* Avatars and Magma Wyrms, but even more frustrating to fight and are found in several places across the Lands Between as mini-boss fights. What makes Tree Spirits so difficult to fight is the face they flop and squirm around the area with no discernable pattern, oftentimes doing little other than spinning in circles and dishing out huge damage to whatever it decides to slap around. As annoying as the erratic movement and attacks of the Ulcerated Tree Spirit can be, the biggest hurdle IS the camera itself which seems to immediately get knocked to the ground and you spend the entire fight looking upward in a daze as the camera spins. There’s also the fact that the majority of fights seem to take place in very confined areas, as if something frivolous like being able to, you know, see what’s kicking your ass was an afterthought. What cemented the Ulcerated Tree Spirit’s place on this list was squaring off against yet another of these fuckers in Elphael at the Brace of the Haligtree, which of course, takes place in a lake of rot. As if tackling these giant slugs wasn’t already fun enough.

Meghan: I hate enemies/bosses like these, specifically for the struggles that Omni mentioned. Locking on to something like the Ulcerated Tree Spirit is completely pointless because the camera goes insane, and you’re more likely to get killed because of it. Instead, I found myself jumping around and swinging my sword like a madman during these encounters, just hoping to hit SOMETHING. It’s a massive tree slug, WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT? I didn’t mind so much when I came across the first one – but then I found a second. And a third. And so on. Yeah, that’s when I started to mind, and officially added these creatures to my Shitboi list. And the ones in the rot areas, like the Grand Cloister? Fuck right off.

(Go check out Meghan’s list of annoying enemies here and bask in her suffering as she undoubtedly did in mine.)

Thanks for reading!

Hunter’s Journal Pt. 2 – Through The Woods

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

Father Gascoigne is defeated. It may have taken me a couple more attempts than I had hoped(somewhere between 5-10?), but I finally emerged victorious. The proficient hunter had become consumed by the blood, causing his transformation into a beast not unlike those he had spent so long hunting. This is one of the prominent themes throughout Bloodborne, which brings to mind the above Nietzsche quote. I’m inclined the believe that’s another of the many things that I love about the game: outside the obvious elements like core gameplay or its gorgeous Victorian-Gothic aesthetic, there’s the existential questioning of our own ambitions and desires – “why?” and “at what cost?”. But anyway…back to the beast hunting.

Once Gascoigne had been dealt with it was time to proceed to the Cathedral Ward – one of the most memorable areas of the game for me with its dismal cemeteries surrounding the ward’s namesake structures, which provide a brief respite for those seeking refuge on the night of the hunt.

After exploring the Cathedral Ward and meeting up with Alfred, hunter of Vilebloods, I made my way down to Old Yharnam. The aging district of Yharnam has been reduced to little more than rubble as you see the charred remnants of the Healing Church’s attempt to “purify” the area. As soon as you reach Old Yharnam, you receive a friendly warning by Djura, who sits atop the clock tower with a gatling gun that “Old Yharnam, burned and abandoned by men, is now home only to beasts.” So, of course I do what any reasonable person would do in this situation…grab my cane and torch and begin ridding the area of every foul beast in sight, with any aggression towards the dwellers of Old Yharnam causes Djura to promptly begin raining bullets upon hunter Dude. I’m still familiar enough with the area from my previous Bloodborne playthrough, so I didn’t have too tough of a time avoiding “Machine Gun Djura” and the hordes of enemies that remind me of the Big Bad Wolf disguised as Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother(blanket and everything) as I navigated my way to the next boss – the Blood-Starved Beast.

Vileblood Hunter Alfred was available as an NPC summon just outside the lair of the Blood-Starved Beast, he quickly came to my aid, Kirkhammer in hand as we fought the giant, über-agile beast….which I had to repeat roughly a dozen times, including a detour or two through Central Yharnam to farm some blood vials and level up twice. Once the beast had been slain, I headed back up the grand staircase of the Cathedral Ward to face off against Vicar Amelia, another of my favorite Bloodborne boss battles(amazing…alliteration).

The Vicar Amelia fight takes place inside the Grand Cathedral as we first meet Amelia in her human form before transforming into a menacing beast right before you. This fight is the first boss battle where the Threaded Cane felt like an advantage as its charge attack would have enough range to hit her in the head and would routinely stun her long enough to get some real damage in. After Amelia had met her end at the hands of Dude, Beast Slayer, I approached the altar and interacted with the elongated skull of Laurence, which prompts a cutscene in which we see a brief conversation between him and Provost Willem ending with one of the game’s taglines: “Fear the Old Blood”.

Ok…fear old blood, got it!

Shortly thereafter, I ventured from the Grand Cathedral and through Hemwick Charnel Lane which is always a lovely time. Surprisingly, I managed to make it through the entire area full of sickle-wielding witches and scary, pointy dogs without dying, only to take a cheap shot once I reached the Witch of Hemwick, usually the easiest boss in the game…provided you know the trick to it. Upon reaching the witch’s abode a second time, I promptly eliminated the Witch of Hemwick and was on my merry way…

It was now time to make my way through my favorite area of the game(sarcasm alert)…the fuckin’ Forbidden Woods. Not only is this place dark and scary with plenty of perilous hazards, but once you make it to the second half of the area, it becomes overrun by bundles of snakes…of course it has to be goddamn snakes. Fortunately, this was my fourth(?) time traversing the area and I’m familiar enough with this miserable viper maze to know to stay along the right side of the area as far as possible before making a quick left, and then another right through a rusty gate which will eventually lead to another of my favorite boss fights(more sarcasm) – the Shadow of Yharnam. This boss fight puts you against not one, not two, but THREE hooded assholes, two of which come at you with katanas and the other one stands back and spams fireballs at you like they’re named Ken or Ryu. Of course, we wouldn’t want this to be a simple fight now would we? So, to make things even more exciting, each of the three Shadows can begin to summon gigantic snakes during a third phase which emerge from the ground and force you to immediately go full evasive maneuvers. I only had to repeat this…<sigh>most joyous test of skill a few times as I knew to equip my bolt paper to add a charge of electricity to my cane-whip and that the best strategy is to distribute damage evenly so I could quickly take out all three within moments of each other and avoid an annoying third phase of the fight. I’ve accumulated enough experience by now that it’s not as difficult going through the area as it once was, but I still emphatically decree – Fuck the Forbidden Woods AND Shadow of Yharnam…can’t wait to meet up with them again in Mergo’s Loft.

Now that the Forbidden Woods had been mostly cleared – I still need to go through the poison caves(thank you, Miyazaki) to reach the rear entrance of Iosefka’s Clinic, it’s time to press forward to the next area – Byrgenwerth. This is one of the more fascinating areas to me from a game lore standpoint, but it was around this time I decided to get some sleep. Tune in next time as we’ll take a stroll through Byrgenwerth before battling Rom, the Vacuous Spider and marching onward to Castle Cainhurst.

Farewell, good hunter. May you find your worth in the waking world…