Bullsh*t Boss Battles – Dark Souls

A while back I came up with the idea for a series of posts in which I would showcase various boss fights that I enjoyed in no capacity whatsoever. Boss encounters that do little more than annoy the hell out of me. That’s right, for today’s rant post is about another bullshit boss battle. My previous post was all the way back in June of 2020 and I spent a few moments expressing my aggravation with that godawful AT-ST fight in Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire. I’ve always wanted to return to the idea as there’s no shortage of instances to choose from in which to wax hyperbolic for a hot minute, so…let’s begin, shall we?

**deep, calming breath**

For those who haven’t been subjected to my Twitter feed or recent blog posts…I respect for the display of wisdom(INT +10). Secondly, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time playing From Software games over the past year. It started around this time last year with Elden Ring, after that I jumped straight into Bloodborne…again. Shortly after finishing up another playthrough of Bloodborne, I made my way through both Dark Souls: Remastered and Sekiro before finally getting around to Dark Souls III, which I finished a couple weeks ago. Lately, I’ve been replaying Dark Souls in order to finish up some trophies I still need for the platinum. It was during this time that I found myself increasingly irritated…again, by what has to be the worst boss fight in the entire game, a “battle” that has become infamous within the Souls community…

Motherfuckin’ Bed of Chaos

The setting: You’ve made it over halfway through Dark Souls and have found found yourself in Lost Izalith – the loveliest ruins placed in the middle of a lava bed you’ll ever see, to obtain one of the Lord Souls from the Witch of Izalith. Once you hot-foot your way through the lava surrounding the area, it’s simply a matter of getting past a small army of fire-breathing demon statues and a not-so-friendly pyromancer before deciding it’s time to slide down and face the Bed of Chaos. The “fight” is against a giant, tangled mess of tree-like limbs and roots where the Witch of Izalith – the *reason* you’re here, is hiding within. Upon entering the arena, you’ll notice the glowing orbs on each side of the main cluster, which must be destroyed before the small tunnel in the center can be accessed. Inside the Bed of Chaos, you’ll find a small bug-like creature which is believed to be the Witch of Izalith, who has since been devoured along with her daughters while trying to recreate the First Flame.

Sounds pretty straightforward….just another puzzle boss, right?

Okay, so…lemme tell you why this boss fight annoys me to no end. The fun begins as soon as you destroy one of the two adjacent orbs, which causes large sections of the floor to give way beneath your feet and causing you to plummet to your demise while making your way to the other side of the arena if not careful(or even if you are). No big deal, right? I’ve played enough Mario Party minigames to not be overly concerned about some shaky footing. What causes a greater sense of frustration here is the fact the large sections DO NOT BREAK AWAY until you you are almost *directly* on top of them, which means there’s a bit of trial and error involved. Fortunately, once the sections have crumbled they will remain that way on subsequent attempts. Finally, once the second orb has been taken out it’s simply a matter of accessing the innards of the boss where the Chaos Bug can be taken out with the slightest nudge from your giant anime sword you’ve undoubtedly clung to in the game so far. This is where shit gets extra chaotic as the entire. goddamn. center of the arena will collapse, leaving a gaping chasm between you and the Bed of Chaos. Those who possess the power of observation may notice there’s a large tree root below the ground floor; the trick here is to gently land on said root and stroll upwards toward your newest destination.

The single worst aspect of this fight isn’t that it’s an underwhelming puzzle of a boss fight; it’s the fact this is to be accomplished while the boss is frantically swatting at you with its overgrown root arms. Once you enter the arena, the Bed of Chaos will begin sporadically throwing hands and casting AoE fire attacks, but this gets turned up a notch upon destroying the first of the lesser orbs. After the floor begins the collapse beneath you, this fight becomes even more of a goddamn joke as you get to run back into the arena and hope you don’t get randomly slapped into a bottomless pit before you reach your target. I’ve read multiple accounts from multiple people who will either opt for movement speed and unequip everything as they make a mad dash across the arena in their underwear, or equip a set of heavy armor such as Havel’s Armor, with the idea of a boosted poise stat equals less being tossed around like a rag doll. I’ve tried both in the past with minimal success. I’ve played the Bed of Chaos fight a number of times throughout my recent playthroughs of Dark Souls and I always end up saying the same thing…

“Bed of Chaos is fucking bullshit!”

Perhaps my biggest grievance against this gimmicky shit fight is that it doesn’t ask much of the player besides…luck, to beat it? It isn’t a boss fight that tests your grasp of gameplay mechanics thus far and it sure as hell isn’t a puzzle requiring any sort of outside-the-box thinking to solve. It’s just kinda…meh. The fact that you will (most likely)face multiple cheap deaths because of being pushed around as if you’re standing on a sheet of ice is just another reason why Bed of Chaos my easily *least* favorite boss encounter in Dark Souls, a series known and loved for its challenging boss fights.

Maybe next time I’ll write up a Dark Souls boss tier list…

Thanks for reading!